Added Another Show!

Come check me out on:

Tuesday 7/29

8PM The Creek and The Cave (10-93 Jackson Ave, New York, NY 11101
(718) 706-8783) For Nick Vatterot’s show!

 

And at my most recent show opening for the Internet Disagrees!

Sunday 6/8

10PM The Creek and The Cave (10-93 Jackson Ave, New York, NY 11101
(718) 706-8783)  To do stand up for the hilarious The Internet Disagrees show!

Alright my friends, my peeps, my cohorts, my noun for friends! I have a couple shows coming up! Hooray!

 

Come check me out at:
Wednesday 5/27

8pm Stand Up NY (236 W 78th St, New York, NY 10024

(212) 595-0850)

Sunday 6/1

8PM RAPTURE LOUNGE (34-27 28th Ave, Astoria, NY 11103
(718) 626-8044) for the incredible Afterbirth Monkey show!

Sunday 6/1

10PM The Creek and The Cave (10-93 Jackson Ave, New York, NY 11101
(718) 706-8783)  To do stand up for the hilarious The Internet Disagrees show!

Monday 6/9

7PM Casual Showcase (448 E 13th St, New York, NY 10009
(646) 746-1357)

Wednesday 7/16

8PM StandupNY (236 W 78th St, New York, NY 10024
(212) 595-0850)

The Day The Girl Left And Another Came In

The day Brenda left me I found myself aimless. I trudged into work completely defeated. My bones ached with every step like a rusted automaton and my body reeked of filth and cold sweat. My facial hair was a little longer than it should have been and my shirt was wrinkled. As I neared the top of the steps I stammered for a moment and the hostesses laughed asking if I was still drunk from the night before. I grabbed myself a cold glass of ginger ale and tried to ease my burning stomach. It didn’t help.
Right after I greeted my first table I rushed to the bathroom and vomited all over the toilet seat.
Looking in the mirror I agreed that despite my dark purple bags that I was still quite a catch. Stacey was thankfully not there that day to reprimand me but Tim threatened to write me up for my appearance. I knew as spineless as he was that he would never. So I drifted tabled to table taking orders and halfheartedly trying to make small talk. My crushed demeanor didn’t make many upsells but did surprisingly grant me with large tips.
The entire shift became a blur as tables whirred past. Customers, I mean guest’s faces became unmemorable. The same table asking for extra biscuits became the same table asking for hot water to clean their silverware. In between helping guests I looked out longingly at the window facing the avenue and watched as countless hordes of people went about their lives. I admired them so seemingly unaware of anything around them.
Thankfully, Fitz wasn’t there to annoy or get a rise out of me and I coasted apathetically.
As the shift neared to a close and the last tables began to leave I began to scarf down a half-eaten overcooked steak a table had returned. Gus, one of the forgettable servers, came in to tell me I had a one top left to deal with right at closing. With a groan and a mush of meat in my mouth I slammed open the doors to the dining room to greet them. I stared at the almost empty dining room so close to victory, when I saw a bright pink head of hair sitting by herself. I immediately spit out my cold dinner into a trashcan and marched over.
“What are you doing here?” I asked coldly. She didn’t stare up from her book.
“Can I please get a hot cup of Earl Grey, Alex?” She asked authoritatively.
“Sure. You didn’t answer my question.” I asked standing over her. Calmly she placed a bookmark in her copy of Ulyssess and stared up at me. Her icy blue eyes gave a shiver down my spine. I straightened instinctively.
“Is this how you treat all of your customers?” She stared at me defiantly.
“If so, I wouldn’t expect a good tip.” She stared solemnly.
“I thought you already read that book.” I asked pointing with my pen.
“It’s a good book. What can I say? I deservers a second read. Don’t you think?” She asked smirking.
“Only got half way through it. It was difficult to read.” I responded.
“Oh was it? Sounds like someone I know.” She chuckled.
“Very funny.”
“Are you going to bring my tea or not?” She asked tapping impatiently on the table top.
“Right away miss.” I walked away annoyed. As I prepared her tea slamming things down on the counter, Gus came over to calm me.
“What’s wrong?” He asked innocently as he put the expired milk cartons away.
“Fuck off.” I replied angrily as I walked away. I plopped the tea on the table causing the water to spill over.
“Thank you. I always enjoy a nice hot tea at this hour.” She said smiling.
“I know.” I said without walking away. She removed her bookmark and began reading again as I stood over her threateningly. When she realized I wasn’t going to leave she looked up.
“Can I help you?” She asked with her sweet misguiding doe eyes. I took the seat opposite from her. My apron bunched up uncomfortably and I winced.
“What do you want?” I asked staring at her. She splayed her hands out on the table defensively.
“I thought you were going to take this town by storm.” She asked looking for a response but my tired eyes had none.
“When you left me you told me you were moving away to this big city to follow your dreams. You were going to hit it big and forget about the rest of us back home.” She stirred her tea as I remained silent. She looked up at me as she added sugar.
“Isn’t that what you said?” She asked calmly.
“I did.” I confessed. “But things don’t go as you plan.”
“Tell me about it.” She said as she took a sip looking at me the entire time.
“What do you want?” I repeated frustrated. She sighed satisfied as she finished her long sip.
“I have a proposition for you.” She said as she laid the cup down with a clang.
“Listen. Don’t speak. I’m going to leave you my number. Tomorrow at three I want you to text me. You follow?” She ordered. I nodded numbly. She scribbled a note down on a napkin and grasped my hands tightly in hers. Her cold eyes never broke focus.
“Today is the last day you feel unimportant.” She said and she winked and slowly got up and began to walk away book in hand. Her slinky hips swayed in those striped leggings I used to adore.
“What about the tea?” I asked.
“It’s on me.” She called out with a wave as she disappeared.

I’m Not Dead Yet! Some show dates.

So I haven’t been very good at updating this thing with show dates…or at all. But here are some dates of mine coming up!

 

APRIL 13th – Rapture Lounge (34-27 28th Ave, Astoria, NY 11103) 7:30 PM

This should be a fun one as it is a Vaudeville style variety show hosted by the lovely taco infatuated comedy duo

AFTERBIRTH MONKEY

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APRIL 27th – Rapture Lounge (34-27 28th Ave, Astoria, NY 11103) 8 PM

Performing for Ben Rosenfeld’s awesome comedy shows!

MAY 12th – Casual Showcase ( M.White Bar, 448 E. 13th Street, between 1st and A) 7 PM

This is for the lovely Leanne Linksy and her great group Casual Sketch, Free show with a one drink minimum!

MAY 21st – Character Flawed (STAND UP NY 236 W 78th St, New York, NY 10024) 8 PM

The famous Character Flawed up and coming show is a 13 year staple in the comedy community hosted by Bob Dibuono. Tickets are $15, 2 drink min. By them online or at the door!

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I’ve Been Trying To Get LSD For Weeks And This Family Just Finds It In Their Beef!

I’ve Been Trying TO Get LSD For Weeks And This Family Just Finds It In Their Beef!

Check it out by clicking on the green banner above!

I can’t say I’m necessarily surprised that something this outrageous happened in Florida. Although I must admit that eating beef, and inadvertently tripping from it and causing you to go into labor might win the award for WORST TRIP ever. Giving birth to any child, let alone in the crazy Twilight Zone episode that is Florida is terrible enough but having to do it while tripping must have been completely insane. Then again, maybe she just hallucinated being pregnant in the first place?

Nope. It’s Not Showtime. Motherfucker.

Thank god this happened! (courtesy of the Gothamist)

“The NYPD says Shamik Watson, 20, and Andrew Washington, 18, were arrested last Friday for breakdancing on a crowded northbound A train around 12:30 in the afternoon (a.k.a. Showtime). A plainclothes officer who was riding the train spotted the two, and apparently his heart wasn’t moved by their dancing and somersaulting.

Both men have been charged with reckless endangerment for dancing. A police source explained to DNAInfo that they “caused a hazard to themselves and others around them, and made excessive noise by blaring music from a stereo.”

So Assassin’s Creed Is Real…

Because scientists have somewhat proven that human memories (such as fears and dislikes/likes) can actually be passed down through genetics.

Which explains why most people are afraid of snakes for example even if they have never encountered one. Does this mean I can blame my cynicism, unbearable sarcasm and hatred of Root Beer on my parents fucking? Because that would be cool. 

 

Full article is here:

http://www.sciencegymnasium.com/2014/01/scientists-have-found-that-memories-may.html

So There’s A New Double Dick Player In Town…Literally

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Two dicks! I have two wieners!

As some of you may know there is an condition known as Diphallia in which a man is born with two penises (one of which is usually removed at birth and doesn’t function). However a man going by the apt pseudonym DoubleDickDude has posted a reddit AMA (with some NSFW pictures) regarding his highly photogenic uncircumcised dicks. He has also mentioned that he is involved in a monogamous three way relationship with a man and a woman and that he is bisexual. Because I suppose if somebody fucks the other dick it isn’t considered cheating? What a loophole. This man should become a lawyer. 

Anyways the AMA is pretty interesting and worth a read.

You can read the article and see the pictures here:

http://www.reddit.com/r/IAmA/comments/1u75hh/i_am_the_guy_with_two_penises_ama/

 

Also of note is this article which is about an 1800′s circus performer with Diphallia who against all odds met, fell in love with and married a woman across the globe (who was also a circus performer) and had two vaginas. And people say love doesn’t exist!

The article with the NSFW pictures are linked below:

http://hypervocal.com/culture/2012/blanche-dumas-juan-baptista-dos-santos-two-penises-vaginas/

So We Can Live Forever With Our Imaginations Because Scientist Says So

Basically. Dr. Lanza believes we only die because we accept death as an inevitable outcome. Which sounds like something being said by stoned high schoolers under the football bleachers. Whoa bruh!

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“LANZA’S THEORY OF BIOCENTRISM AND THE AFTERLIFE

Biocentrism is classed as the Theory of Everything and comes from the Greek for ‘life centre’.

It is the belief that life and biology are central to reality and that life creates the universe, not the other way round.

Lanza uses the example of the way we perceive the world around us.

A person sees a blue sky, and is told that the colour they are seeing is blue, but the cells in a person’s brain could be changed to make the sky look green or red.

Our consciousness makes sense of the world, and can be altered to change this interpretation.

By looking at the universe from a biocentric’s point of view, this also means space and time don’t behave in the hard and fast ways our consciousness tell us it does.

In summary, space and time are ‘simply tools of our mind.’

Once this theory about space and time being mental constructs is accepted, it means death and the idea of immortality exist in a world without spatial or linear boundaries.

Theoretical physicists believe that there is infinite number of universes with different variations of people, and situations taking place, simultaneously.

Lanza added that everything which can possibly happen is occurring at some point across these multiverses and this means death can’t exist in ‘any real sense’ either.

Lanza, instead, said that when we die our life becomes a ‘perennial flower that returns to bloom in the multiverse.’”

Read the full article courtesy of CSGlobe

http://csglobe.com/quantum-physics-proves-death-illusion/