Posted on

You’ve Got To Be Fucking Kidding Me…#1

Cue Losing My Religion By R.E.M., drown the kids in the bath tub, batton down the hatches and stock the bomb shelter because the Mayan were fuckin’ right (not really) the world really is ending  in 7 months and I’ve lost a little faith in humanity, all explained in a segment entitled:

You’ve Got To Be Fucking Kidding Me.

So, to be completely honest, I don’t just sit on my computer and mindlessly flicker through the internet, I scour that shit and if it weren’t for my inherent laziness when it comes to actually writing things down, I would have written a nerd manifesto by this point. However in my scouring, I do come across articles or videos every once in awhile that just completely reaffirm my suspicions that sometimes, people just aren’t worth the nuisance their ignorant asses provide (the website World Star Hip Hop alone would convince you that most people shouldn’t be allowed to breed, but I don’t want to clog up the interwebs with that unbelievable amount of rage and frustration that would conjure up in me.)

So, in my latest scouring over the past few days, I came across these gems that honestly just made me scratch my head and actually say out loud to myself: You’ve Got To Be Fucking Kidding Me.

1. North Carolina Pastor Sean Harris advocates punching gay kids

If that title doesn’t piss you off from the get go, please enjoy this quote from Pastor Sean Harris himself (courtesy of The Huffington Post: http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2012/05/01/north-carolina-pastor-sea_n_1468618.html?ncid=edlinkusaolp00000003)

“So your little son starts to act a little girlish when he is four years old and instead of squashing that like a cockroach and saying, ‘Man up, son, get that dress off you and get outside and dig a ditch, because that is what boys do,’ you get out the camera and you start taking pictures of Johnny acting like a female and then you upload it to YouTube and everybody laughs about it and the next thing you know, this dude, this kid is acting out childhood fantasies that should have been squashed.

Dads, the second you see your son dropping the limp wrist, you walk over there and crack that wrist. Man up. Give him a good punch. Ok? You are not going to act like that. You were made by God to be a male and you are going to be a male. And when your daughter starts acting too butch, you reign [sic] her in. And you say, ‘Oh, no, sweetheart. You can play sports. Play them to the glory of God. But sometimes you are going to act like a girl and walk like a girl and talk like a girl and smell like a girl and that means you are going to be beautiful. You are going to be attractive. You are going to dress yourself up.’”

Even though Pastor Harris has now come forth as saying he joking about punching children (probably due to backlash), I can’t help but realize for a religion founded supposedly on the beliefs of love, acceptance and kindness to other human beings, people as they always do sure have found a way to pervert and manipulate something to their own liking. I originally wasn’t even going to dignify this article with a response but now I feel like I kinda have to. If you are a self declared Christian (which I have found people are so indignantly proud of announcing), do you really think if Jesus came back (in my mind kinda like Arnold Schwarzeneggar from Terminator 2, naked with blue arcs of electricity in a time travelling bubble) and was like “Hey, what’s going on down here?”, do you honestly think for a second he would be proud of, or approve of a Pastor (someone who is supposed to preach his word) jokingly telling people to give gay children a “good punch”? I don’t think so. And if you do, You’ve Got To Be Fucking Kidding Me.

In all honesty, I now can’t wait to trip and eye poke (Three Stooges style) Fundamentalist homophobic Christians, if punching gay kids is acceptable.

Yeah, kinda like that. Hopefully, they don’t know the hand in front of your nose move, because if they do we’re all fucked.

2. Bill Nye The Blasphemous Guy

Courtesy of (ironically) Think Athiest

(http://www.thinkatheist.com/profiles/blogs/bill-nye-bood-in-texas-for/)

So, Bill Nye “The Science Guy”, was giving an innocent lecture in Waco, TX when he stated that the moon does not emit light but actually reflects light from the Sun. Which if didn’t already know this, you need to repeat elementary school immediately and realize that Clifford The Big Red Dog is physically impossible. However, several incredibly religious members of the crowd grew angry at this obvious FACT (not theory, I say FACT motherfuckers, because we’ve been there and it wasn’t written in a 2,000 year old book which was translated, edited and changed a hundred times and written after the information was passed down orally for about 30 years). People stormed out of the lecture stating that they believed in God, and apparently did not worship the false idol known as Bill Nye, or science, or just plain logic in general.

Now, some of you may be a little confused as to why religious fanatics and the moon are connected.

Genesis 1:16, which reads: “God made two great lights — the greater light to govern the day and the lesser light to govern the night. He also made the stars.”

I love the wording of this quote and the fact that the stars being made was kinda an after fact. So, everyone God created this gigantic ball of light to keep us warm and happy during the day and he also created this beautiful smaller ball of light to create romantic moments or induce werewolf transformations. Oh and like he created the stars and some shit. But like whatever. It’s really no big deal.

I like the idea that the people who wrote the Bible didn’t realize that the greater light to govern the day, and the stars were really the same thing, you know because it wasn’t written a long time ago when they didn’t have science, and didn’t know anything about astronomy or space or how the universe worked. But thank god, we know some of that stuff now, and can put some of those silly superstitions behind us. Oh wait, people walked out of a Bill Nye lecture, You’ve Got To Be Fucking Kidding Me.

Now, even though it appears I’m a little hostile toward religion and bashing it a bit, I don’t mean offense. I mean humor, and realization of just how serious we as humans take things. Religion has done a lot of great (and terrible) things and they usually have some solid morals and ideas to base some ethical code from. However, people obviously take the text far to too literally without the forethought that the book was written in a completely different time period and that it needs to be adapted and updated to fit modern times and trends. The fundamental ideas and truths obviously remain the same: Don’t steal or kill people and generally don’t be a dick.  But the smaller less important ideas need to be dropped like the buying and selling slaves, prejudiced views on homosexuality and the crazy idea that you can kill your child if they disobey you, because honestly just like gigantic whales and killing first borns, that stuff is incredibly outdated, awful and unnecessary.

And last but not least, what kind of a weak minded human being are you, if you can’t be in a room with someone who is criticizing or saying something that disagrees with your religion? Wouldn’t it make more sense to stick around, learn something and then make an informed decision about what they are saying? You should be open minded enough to have your own beliefs but to at least learn what others believe as well. Right? Doesn’t storming out only confirm the insecurities you have in your own beliefs? Doesn’t it confirm that what they are saying bothers you because you don’t have an explanation for it?

Despite those awful things I found scouring the internet, I did find two positive things worth reading.

1. A Fantastic letter by the late comedian Bill Hicks about Freedom Of Speech and Religion that is eerily pertinent.

http://www.lettersofnote.com/2012/04/bill-hicks-on-freedom-of-speech.html

And

2. A great piece written by Stephen King about taxation and the growing distant between classes in this country.

http://www.thedailybeast.com/articles/2012/04/30/stephen-king-tax-me-for-f-s-sake.html

About freddiecomedy

An aspiring comedian and writer from Philadelphia, now living in NYC. Crude but not tasteless with a hint of bacon.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s