I’m Not Dead Yet! Some show dates.

So I haven’t been very good at updating this thing with show dates…or at all. But here are some dates of mine coming up!

 

APRIL 13th – Rapture Lounge (34-27 28th Ave, Astoria, NY 11103) 7:30 PM

This should be a fun one as it is a Vaudeville style variety show hosted by the lovely taco infatuated comedy duo

AFTERBIRTH MONKEY

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APRIL 27th – Rapture Lounge (34-27 28th Ave, Astoria, NY 11103) 8 PM

Performing for Ben Rosenfeld’s awesome comedy shows!

MAY 12th – Casual Showcase ( M.White Bar, 448 E. 13th Street, between 1st and A) 7 PM

This is for the lovely Leanne Linksy and her great group Casual Sketch, Free show with a one drink minimum!

MAY 21st – Character Flawed (STAND UP NY 236 W 78th St, New York, NY 10024) 8 PM

The famous Character Flawed up and coming show is a 13 year staple in the comedy community hosted by Bob Dibuono. Tickets are $15, 2 drink min. By them online or at the door!

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I’ve Been Trying To Get LSD For Weeks And This Family Just Finds It In Their Beef!

I’ve Been Trying TO Get LSD For Weeks And This Family Just Finds It In Their Beef!

Check it out by clicking on the green banner above!

I can’t say I’m necessarily surprised that something this outrageous happened in Florida. Although I must admit that eating beef, and inadvertently tripping from it and causing you to go into labor might win the award for WORST TRIP ever. Giving birth to any child, let alone in the crazy Twilight Zone episode that is Florida is terrible enough but having to do it while tripping must have been completely insane. Then again, maybe she just hallucinated being pregnant in the first place?

Nope. It’s Not Showtime. Motherfucker.

Thank god this happened! (courtesy of the Gothamist)

“The NYPD says Shamik Watson, 20, and Andrew Washington, 18, were arrested last Friday for breakdancing on a crowded northbound A train around 12:30 in the afternoon (a.k.a. Showtime). A plainclothes officer who was riding the train spotted the two, and apparently his heart wasn’t moved by their dancing and somersaulting.

Both men have been charged with reckless endangerment for dancing. A police source explained to DNAInfo that they “caused a hazard to themselves and others around them, and made excessive noise by blaring music from a stereo.”

So Assassin’s Creed Is Real…

Because scientists have somewhat proven that human memories (such as fears and dislikes/likes) can actually be passed down through genetics.

Which explains why most people are afraid of snakes for example even if they have never encountered one. Does this mean I can blame my cynicism, unbearable sarcasm and hatred of Root Beer on my parents fucking? Because that would be cool. 

 

Full article is here:

http://www.sciencegymnasium.com/2014/01/scientists-have-found-that-memories-may.html

So There’s A New Double Dick Player In Town…Literally

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Two dicks! I have two wieners!

As some of you may know there is an condition known as Diphallia in which a man is born with two penises (one of which is usually removed at birth and doesn’t function). However a man going by the apt pseudonym DoubleDickDude has posted a reddit AMA (with some NSFW pictures) regarding his highly photogenic uncircumcised dicks. He has also mentioned that he is involved in a monogamous three way relationship with a man and a woman and that he is bisexual. Because I suppose if somebody fucks the other dick it isn’t considered cheating? What a loophole. This man should become a lawyer. 

Anyways the AMA is pretty interesting and worth a read.

You can read the article and see the pictures here:

http://www.reddit.com/r/IAmA/comments/1u75hh/i_am_the_guy_with_two_penises_ama/

 

Also of note is this article which is about an 1800′s circus performer with Diphallia who against all odds met, fell in love with and married a woman across the globe (who was also a circus performer) and had two vaginas. And people say love doesn’t exist!

The article with the NSFW pictures are linked below:

http://hypervocal.com/culture/2012/blanche-dumas-juan-baptista-dos-santos-two-penises-vaginas/

So We Can Live Forever With Our Imaginations Because Scientist Says So

Basically. Dr. Lanza believes we only die because we accept death as an inevitable outcome. Which sounds like something being said by stoned high schoolers under the football bleachers. Whoa bruh!

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“LANZA’S THEORY OF BIOCENTRISM AND THE AFTERLIFE

Biocentrism is classed as the Theory of Everything and comes from the Greek for ‘life centre’.

It is the belief that life and biology are central to reality and that life creates the universe, not the other way round.

Lanza uses the example of the way we perceive the world around us.

A person sees a blue sky, and is told that the colour they are seeing is blue, but the cells in a person’s brain could be changed to make the sky look green or red.

Our consciousness makes sense of the world, and can be altered to change this interpretation.

By looking at the universe from a biocentric’s point of view, this also means space and time don’t behave in the hard and fast ways our consciousness tell us it does.

In summary, space and time are ‘simply tools of our mind.’

Once this theory about space and time being mental constructs is accepted, it means death and the idea of immortality exist in a world without spatial or linear boundaries.

Theoretical physicists believe that there is infinite number of universes with different variations of people, and situations taking place, simultaneously.

Lanza added that everything which can possibly happen is occurring at some point across these multiverses and this means death can’t exist in ‘any real sense’ either.

Lanza, instead, said that when we die our life becomes a ‘perennial flower that returns to bloom in the multiverse.’”

Read the full article courtesy of CSGlobe

http://csglobe.com/quantum-physics-proves-death-illusion/

Got Some More Shows Bitches

292637_10151511073723382_2143402087_nCome out with me on my V-day (or Vaginal Emergence Happy Fun Time Day) on

November 12th (Trophy Wives Improv Show) 9 PM at The PIT (123 E 24th St, New York, NY 10010) with the legendary John Wilkes Kissing Booth.

Or you can see me the next day:

November 13th 8pm Tippin Inn (35th and Broadway NYC) for Chris Wagner’s No Baloney Comedy

November 13th 10 pm The Stand (20th St and 3rd ave NYC) for their biweekly variety show The Lemonade Stand

Which usually includes a burlesque act. So there will be boobies.And beer. And comedy. Well at least two of these.