Tag Archives: funny

The Hamster Rant or Addled Adderall Asinine Aggresively Apathetic Rants

So I found this recently  on my computer from when I thought I was apparently the poor mans  Bill Burr, Bill Hicks and Doug Stanhope. I call it the HoBurraHicksAHopelessHomelessAStan. Can you tell I like like alliteration? Anyways, and now for the humiliation.

Full Disclosure I may or may not have written these completely stoned and tweeked on Adderall. Allegedly.

Hamster Rant

You see we’re just hamster’s carrying AK-47’s.

army_hamster
Weddy to infwiltwate wif cuteness sir!

Let me explain. Too many people. Not enough stuff like food and water which you need to not be dead. I recently saw this Vice documentary about this terrible little Indian slum where people were living out of plastic barrels and kids were grinding away in shops making Walkman. And that’s not even the worst parts! Oh, No! People don’t even use them anymore. They’re inefficient and cost fifty cents. They’re inefficient and they don’t even know!

But in the distance the tallest skyscraper in the city is like eighty stories tall and is the house for the richest guy in the town. Let me just repeat that, he has so much useless shit that he has to put it all in a skyscraper. With a full staff, who just kinda watches and organizes he endless collecton of what I can only assume is reruns of the Kardashians, hair gel and gold chains. And he drives Lamborghini’s around in the street with the common folk! Next to like a dude with like a bag of a couple thousand plastic bottles on a moped and he’s carrying a rooster and a donkey. And they’re carrying scrap plastic too.

African Overload
Imagine this bull fuck of a monstrosity but on a tiny blue moped from the Cold War. 

And you could see the reporter with almost tears in their eyes asking the plastic people making george foreman grills, how they could deal with that guy in town? And you could almost see, it was hard for them, to just to not say “Oh Frank, we’re all about to murder that guy.Yeah at midnight, Phil, the gang and I are pulling this greasy Armani wearing fat ass, and probably spit roast him. Because he is more nutritious than mud crumbs out of an old Fritos bag.”

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“Welcome to my humble abode peons…” Seriously go fuck that guy with a platinum plated jeweled dildo.

 

 

cute hamster
So friggin’ cute. And fluffy! Just like people before they grow up.

 

See I think people are kinda like hamsters, if there’s one or just a few they’re pretty adorable. Just imagine one day you’re in your house and these adorable little two inch tail people just show up. They’re precious and dance with all these little ideas. But they’re procreating like hamsters, and everything is covered in hamster people. You’re wading through the litle bastards. Pretty soon you’re like there’s too many fucking hamster people! I can’t shower, or lay down, or move or jerk off with out feeling guilty. They judge me! Oh, my god is that one smoking crack and suicide bombing the other one? Is that one taking pictures of the other one’s naked ass to break the internet? They have to be stopped! Next thing you know you’re punting them into walls, and putting them in blenders, making meat smoothies, just curb stomping all those little mother fuckers into the furry oblivion from whence they came from. You would be so angry at how shitty and plentiful these hamster people were until you begin screaming I am become Death! The many headed god of hamster apolcalypse! Feel my wraith Mr. Snuggles! That’s kinda what I think of people. Worthless little fluffy things with AK-47’s. They were cool when it was just started. But now they’re kinda lame.

 

z1
“They got too big for their own good. I knew them before they were cool.” -Hipster Hamster Dude circa Williamsburg

 

 

Funny-Hamster

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Which brings me to next bane of my existence and solution to my sanity, I’m talking about World Star Hip Hop. Which is essentially Youtube for morons. I would say they should be sterilized but in most of the videos they doing it themselves with nutshots. Who is more dangerous to society twats pulling out each other’s weaves in a McDonalds lobby while holding their babies? Or methed out rednecks 9/11 illumanti truthers firing RPG’s in the woods and screaming ‘Murica? Answer is neither. They’re equal.

Please consult this music video for further advice.

Sometimes I seriously feel like with every video I watch of someone doing the Nay Nay, I lose a chapter from Ulysses that I read. Like after hearing people fascistly chat “World Star! World Star” for a few hours, I lose brains cells and memories. I’ m like “Damnit! I lost my first kiss! Just lot that one. Shit, yep. All my Anchorman quotes are gone! Milk was a bad choice!” But there is a flipside if you will. A silver lining. With every douche that bites it accidentally parkourking off a construction site or leaping into the tiger pit at the zoo, I feel the human race getting a little stronger. Natural Selection. The dumbest are weeding themselves out for fame and paving the way for my curdled gene pool. Now I’m not saying every life doesn’t matter, I’m just saying most of them don’t.
The way I see it my pudgy pale nerdy CHUD-looking offspring might be able to live fulfilling lives. Lives without weirdly innapappropriatedren beauty pagents, homophobia, mysogngy, the band One Direction or police officers killing unarmed people. If we keep ourselves learning and let these scat munching caveman dude die out, we might just make it. World Star Hip Hop has inspired my hopes for books in the future and for humanity. It has also inspired my hopes for more twerking asses. Lots of twerking asses.

twerk

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Okay, JOKE OFF:
Somehow it’s cuter when puppies do it.
Look at these bitches go!
They fell in puppy love in a boneless place.
These puppies are just doing it to get back at their stepdad, Chad! You’re not our real dad!
Look at these Thotweilers!

 

Alright, that’s all I got.

 

Oh Yeah, I Run a Show Now: Raunchy & Risque!

And you should like totally check it out by clicking the banner below:

banner

 

 

 

 

 

It’s at 10pm on the 1st and 3rd Sunday of every month at the lovely The Creek And The Cave Comedy Club (10-93 Jackson Avenue, Long Island City, NY 11101) (718) 706-8783

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Here’s a little bio about the show and a small mention in the Village Voice:

“RAUNCHY RISQUE is the brainchild of comedians Freddie and Charles Stunning. Bringing comedy back to its vaudeville and cabaret roots, R & R is a no holds barred strictly R-rated comedy variety show. Proudly featuring filthy stand up and story telling acts sandwiched between some of the hottest burlesque acts in the city. If you want to be shocked, disgusted and slightly turned on, then come out to see one of the most outrageous shows this city has to offer.
Featuring the insatiable sultry vixen Charles Stunning who is part of the hilarious Afterbirth Monkey comedy musical duo (known for their many comedy festival appearance and award winning music video It’s Raining Dicks) and Freddie Heinemann (UCB graduate and NYC comedian).”

And from the Village Voice (click for article):

Raunchy and Risque

The Creek and the Cave, [Sunday], 10pm, [Free]

Don’t bring your mother to the Creek tonight. This new show is trying to inject some old-school vaudeville and cabaret salaciousness into stand-up comedy. Strictly R-rated, it blends dirty joke-tellers with morally liberated burlesque performers.”

Here a few pictures to gaze your lovely vision balls upon from our Christmas 2014 show:

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Pretty sexy eh? I know. Schnazzy as fuck. Anyways, check out our next one, which is tonight! Click the poster below for more info:

New poster

Alright my friends, my peeps, my cohorts, my noun for friends! I have a couple shows coming up! Hooray!

 

Come check me out at:
Wednesday 5/27

8pm Stand Up NY (236 W 78th St, New York, NY 10024

(212) 595-0850)

Sunday 6/1

8PM RAPTURE LOUNGE (34-27 28th Ave, Astoria, NY 11103
(718) 626-8044) for the incredible Afterbirth Monkey show!

Sunday 6/1

10PM The Creek and The Cave (10-93 Jackson Ave, New York, NY 11101
(718) 706-8783)  To do stand up for the hilarious The Internet Disagrees show!

Monday 6/9

7PM Casual Showcase (448 E 13th St, New York, NY 10009
(646) 746-1357)

Wednesday 7/16

8PM StandupNY (236 W 78th St, New York, NY 10024
(212) 595-0850)

I’m Not Dead Yet! Some show dates.

So I haven’t been very good at updating this thing with show dates…or at all. But here are some dates of mine coming up!

 

APRIL 13th – Rapture Lounge (34-27 28th Ave, Astoria, NY 11103) 7:30 PM

This should be a fun one as it is a Vaudeville style variety show hosted by the lovely taco infatuated comedy duo

AFTERBIRTH MONKEY

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APRIL 27th – Rapture Lounge (34-27 28th Ave, Astoria, NY 11103) 8 PM

Performing for Ben Rosenfeld’s awesome comedy shows!

MAY 12th – Casual Showcase ( M.White Bar, 448 E. 13th Street, between 1st and A) 7 PM

This is for the lovely Leanne Linksy and her great group Casual Sketch, Free show with a one drink minimum!

MAY 21st – Character Flawed (STAND UP NY 236 W 78th St, New York, NY 10024) 8 PM

The famous Character Flawed up and coming show is a 13 year staple in the comedy community hosted by Bob Dibuono. Tickets are $15, 2 drink min. By them online or at the door!

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So Assassin’s Creed Is Real…

Because scientists have somewhat proven that human memories (such as fears and dislikes/likes) can actually be passed down through genetics.

Which explains why most people are afraid of snakes for example even if they have never encountered one. Does this mean I can blame my cynicism, unbearable sarcasm and hatred of Root Beer on my parents fucking? Because that would be cool. 

 

Full article is here:

http://www.sciencegymnasium.com/2014/01/scientists-have-found-that-memories-may.html

So There’s A New Double Dick Player In Town…Literally

11635336-caucasian-man-2-two-counting-showing-fingers-gesture-studio-portrait-on-isolated-white-backgound

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Two dicks! I have two wieners!

As some of you may know there is an condition known as Diphallia in which a man is born with two penises (one of which is usually removed at birth and doesn’t function). However a man going by the apt pseudonym DoubleDickDude has posted a reddit AMA (with some NSFW pictures) regarding his highly photogenic uncircumcised dicks. He has also mentioned that he is involved in a monogamous three way relationship with a man and a woman and that he is bisexual. Because I suppose if somebody fucks the other dick it isn’t considered cheating? What a loophole. This man should become a lawyer. 

Anyways the AMA is pretty interesting and worth a read.

You can read the article and see the pictures here:

http://www.reddit.com/r/IAmA/comments/1u75hh/i_am_the_guy_with_two_penises_ama/

 

Also of note is this article which is about an 1800’s circus performer with Diphallia who against all odds met, fell in love with and married a woman across the globe (who was also a circus performer) and had two vaginas. And people say love doesn’t exist!

The article with the NSFW pictures are linked below:

http://hypervocal.com/culture/2012/blanche-dumas-juan-baptista-dos-santos-two-penises-vaginas/