So I found this recently on my computer from when I thought I was apparently the poor mans Bill Burr, Bill Hicks and Doug Stanhope. I call it the HoBurraHicksAHopelessHomelessAStan. Can you tell I like like alliteration? Anyways, and now for the humiliation.
Full Disclosure I may or may not have written these completely stoned and tweeked on Adderall. Allegedly.
You see we’re just hamster’s carrying AK-47’s.
Let me explain. Too many people. Not enough stuff like food and water which you need to not be dead. I recently saw this Vice documentary about this terrible little Indian slum where people were living out of plastic barrels and kids were grinding away in shops making Walkman. And that’s not even the worst parts! Oh, No! People don’t even use them anymore. They’re inefficient and cost fifty cents. They’re inefficient and they don’t even know!
But in the distance the tallest skyscraper in the city is like eighty stories tall and is the house for the richest guy in the town. Let me just repeat that, he has so much useless shit that he has to put it all in a skyscraper. With a full staff, who just kinda watches and organizes he endless collecton of what I can only assume is reruns of the Kardashians, hair gel and gold chains. And he drives Lamborghini’s around in the street with the common folk! Next to like a dude with like a bag of a couple thousand plastic bottles on a moped and he’s carrying a rooster and a donkey. And they’re carrying scrap plastic too.
And you could see the reporter with almost tears in their eyes asking the plastic people making george foreman grills, how they could deal with that guy in town? And you could almost see, it was hard for them, to just to not say “Oh Frank, we’re all about to murder that guy.Yeah at midnight, Phil, the gang and I are pulling this greasy Armani wearing fat ass, and probably spit roast him. Because he is more nutritious than mud crumbs out of an old Fritos bag.”
See I think people are kinda like hamsters, if there’s one or just a few they’re pretty adorable. Just imagine one day you’re in your house and these adorable little two inch tail people just show up. They’re precious and dance with all these little ideas. But they’re procreating like hamsters, and everything is covered in hamster people. You’re wading through the litle bastards. Pretty soon you’re like there’s too many fucking hamster people! I can’t shower, or lay down, or move or jerk off with out feeling guilty. They judge me! Oh, my god is that one smoking crack and suicide bombing the other one? Is that one taking pictures of the other one’s naked ass to break the internet? They have to be stopped! Next thing you know you’re punting them into walls, and putting them in blenders, making meat smoothies, just curb stomping all those little mother fuckers into the furry oblivion from whence they came from. You would be so angry at how shitty and plentiful these hamster people were until you begin screaming I am become Death! The many headed god of hamster apolcalypse! Feel my wraith Mr. Snuggles! That’s kinda what I think of people. Worthless little fluffy things with AK-47’s. They were cool when it was just started. But now they’re kinda lame.
Which brings me to next bane of my existence and solution to my sanity, I’m talking about World Star Hip Hop. Which is essentially Youtube for morons. I would say they should be sterilized but in most of the videos they doing it themselves with nutshots. Who is more dangerous to society twats pulling out each other’s weaves in a McDonalds lobby while holding their babies? Or methed out rednecks 9/11 illumanti truthers firing RPG’s in the woods and screaming ‘Murica? Answer is neither. They’re equal.
Please consult this music video for further advice.
Sometimes I seriously feel like with every video I watch of someone doing the Nay Nay, I lose a chapter from Ulysses that I read. Like after hearing people fascistly chat “World Star! World Star” for a few hours, I lose brains cells and memories. I’ m like “Damnit! I lost my first kiss! Just lot that one. Shit, yep. All my Anchorman quotes are gone! Milk was a bad choice!” But there is a flipside if you will. A silver lining. With every douche that bites it accidentally parkourking off a construction site or leaping into the tiger pit at the zoo, I feel the human race getting a little stronger. Natural Selection. The dumbest are weeding themselves out for fame and paving the way for my curdled gene pool. Now I’m not saying every life doesn’t matter, I’m just saying most of them don’t.
The way I see it my pudgy pale nerdy CHUD-looking offspring might be able to live fulfilling lives. Lives without weirdly innapappropriatedren beauty pagents, homophobia, mysogngy, the band One Direction or police officers killing unarmed people. If we keep ourselves learning and let these scat munching caveman dude die out, we might just make it. World Star Hip Hop has inspired my hopes for books in the future and for humanity. It has also inspired my hopes for more twerking asses. Lots of twerking asses.
Okay, JOKE OFF:
Somehow it’s cuter when puppies do it.
Look at these bitches go!
They fell in puppy love in a boneless place.
These puppies are just doing it to get back at their stepdad, Chad! You’re not our real dad!
Look at these Thotweilers!
Alright, that’s all I got.